Wednesday, June 14, 2006

today i stepped into a very beautiful blog.. very pinkish, very lovely.. simple yet gives ppl a very comfortable feeling being in here..

along the road of 6mths, you picked up every single bad thing abt me but not a bag known as commitment.. commitment is something known as a responsibility towards the other party's life.. it'll not be strange if one day either one of us pass away without the other party knowing.. what i need in a relationship is not just a pretty face or some "i love yous" but a warm hug when everything seems wrong..

there's no point both parties keep thinking of each other when one side is not willing to make an effort.. we cannot live like this forever.. it's not me now.. it's you.. this is not call love.. it's just possession.. you have me, my life and my soul but i have nth of you.. nothing at all..

isit realli "love" we are talking abt, or isit just "like"? i'm mentally strained from training and during wkends, i gotta think of excuses to keep myself at home or even to ask some friends out.. but for you, i dun even knoe if you will reply you are attached when your friends ask you.. i knoe they dunno anything abt me at all.. do i even ever exist in those conversations of yours..?

i knoe you will rather give up the relationship than to give in.. but honestly, life doesn't go the way you want it to be.. you cannot have the best of both worlds and expecting them never to fall at all.. i worked hard and hard in the relationship, i dun mind if there's no pay at all but once in a while, there shld be a bonus rite?

i love you dearly.. i hope you will.. for once.. have a real relationship with me.. for...

i was born to love you..


hope you like this song..


Queen - I Was Born To Love You (OST for Jap serial Pride)

I was born to love you (love you...)

With every single beat of my heart

Yes I was born to take care of you

Every single day (single day...)

All right... Hey, hey

I was born to love you with every single beat of my heart

Yes I was born to take care of you every single day of my life



You are the one for me I am the man for you

You were made for me you're my ecstasy

If I was given every opportunity I'd kill for your love

So take a chance with me let me romance with you

I'm caught in a dream and my dreams come true

It's so hard to believe this is happening to me

An amazing feeling coming through



I was born to love you with every single beat of my heart

Yes I was born to take care of you (honey) every single day of my life



I wanna love you, I love every little thing about you

I wanna love you, love you, love you

(Born) to love you, (born) to love you, yes (Born) I was born to love you

(Born) to love you, (born) to love you, every single day of my life

I was born to take care of you every single day, day, day of my life



An amazing feeling coming through

I was born to love you with every single beat of my heart

Yeah I was born to take care of you every single day of my life

Yes, I was born to love you

Every single day...of my life

I love you baby



Yeah, born to love you

Yes I was born to love you

Hey, I wanna love you, love you, love you

I wanna love you

Yeah, yeah... Aha it's magic

I get so lonely, lonely, lonely yeah

I wanna love you... It's magic

Love you yeah, give it to me

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SummerLove winks
at |8:37 AM|

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

i promised myself that i will not hold her back if one day she wants to leave.. i guess it's also time for us to bid farewell to each other after a long 6mths.. no one will ever understand what i'm going thru.. no matter how hard i try, she just refuses to budge.. been falling ill recently with high fever and this morning, my fever came back.. hit a 38.5, i tried calling her.. listening to her voice will certainly make me feel much better.. i guess i've left more than 15 missed calls but no reply from her..



she's very prone to running away from problems.. mayb bcos since she was born till now, her parents are always around to help her solve her probs.. to her, it doesn't matter who is loving her, bcos she knoes whoever who loves her, will certainly love her with all his life.. it doesn't matter if it's me or not.. - tears welling up -



we have been thru the same topic since 6mths ago and till now, no solution is found.. i'm very disappointed with myself as well as i feel i'm a very useless person.. nobody knew abt my situation.. i always tell ppl and friends that we've been to these places and those places.. but as a matter of fact, i've not even seen her once - a girlfriend i had for 6mths.. she'll always ignore my calls whenever i start talking abt meeting up.. i realli dunno what's so difficult to meet up with me? if she can meet other friends, why i'm not included?



perhaps sometimes it's beta to be friends afterall.. i realli treasured every moments with her, but will she understand? i jus dunno why isit so hard.. i jus dun understand.. many a times i felt her male colleagues are even luckier than me.. at least they get to see her everyday.. not to say 7 days a wk, but 5 days is enough.. i'm contented if i can see her just once a wk.. btw a couple, they gotta walk till this stage, i find it very sad and very heart-wrenching.. i always feel this sense of loneliness that i dunno how to describe.. but she just decided to pack up and leave without leaving even a note..



i cannot send her gifts at all, cos i dun even have her home no or even her address.. all i had of her was just a mobile number and her blog address.. for the past 6mths, tat's wat i live on.. why wont she just spare a little thot for me? i've been waiting patiently and patiently.. mths after mths, till yest, i sent her a long msg and tat's the end i heard from her.. my heart is just so sour and everytime i can only envy my platoon mates when they said they are meeting up with their gfs.. i have to lie abt my gf's whereabout, all the time.. i even lied to my parents and all my friends that she went to australia for a mth of holidays..



isit so hard just to meet up for 5mins?? why does a hug seems so impossible? she doesn't even knoe why.. she just doesn't wanna see me at all.. in the past, we'll still chat over the phone, joking and laughing and i'll play music for her to hear.. but recently these 3mths that i'm in camp, i practically only had 15mins a wk to hear her voice and many quarrels in it.. if u ask me if i'm sad, i'll honestly tell you yes.. i'm realli very sad and this kind of sadness lasts eternally.. no one will be able to heal this broken soul of mine.. and just like a patient surviving on the life support machine and family members are struggling if they shld switch it off or not, to allow the patient to go off peacefully..



i too, decided to switch off the life supporting machine btw both of us.. i knoe there wont be any future between us, so why do i still wanna hold her back from a possible much better prospect which could lead to her fairytale marriage? i knoe i'm not the one, and i'm fully convinced that i'm not the one.. - drops of tears flowing down -



i jus knoe it.. mayb she's just being nice in asking me to leave first.. i realli love her but i knoe it's torturing her.. so why not let her go so she can meet a much well-mannered, better-tempered and someone who is able to support her.. it will not be me.. my heart is aching now.. realli aching.. this song here brings me the only memory that it's my 21st bdae gift from her - the movie Just Like Heaven.. mayb i'm just like heaven to her.. so close yet so far.. i remember the first day i asked her to be my gf, it was her bdae.. we almost quarrelled and she wanted to leave.. but all i wanted, was to make a call to her hotel, so that she can hear me sing a bdae song for her.. she neva trusted me in whatever i do..



female friends to me, are just like ordinary friends but she took them very seriously.. i now seldom go out with female friends unless it's a poly group gathering.. i dunno why but this song is making me very sad.. it's true, i guess.. when she's gone, all the colours seem to fade.. i changed my temper for the better, i no longer go partying out with my junk friends anymore.. actually i did give up alot of things too.. she always yearn to be free.. i always gave in to her.. i tried not to msg or call her so often.. but is this how it goes in a relationship? i have neva felt for someone so deep in my life before and she has the amazing power to make me tear or smile.. what her mood for the day, is running deeply in my blood..



but there's no one or nothing to blame.. i only will take a step back, and see her enjoying her life, without me in it.. i neva knew what's she doing on the wkends, i neva knew what she's doing on the wkdays, once in a blue moon that she could only spare me 5mins plus to chat on the phone.. do u knoe i dun even have a vague image of her in my mind without seeing her picture? i have also convinced myself that the distance between us is far and further apart.. and i believe i caught a glimpse of her pale shadow when she left.. at times i realli wish the world will end, at least i knoe i din manage to see her is bcos i'm dead, and not bcos she's not willing..



what are promises? i have no more faith in promises or vows.. i no longer trust myself that i can give another person the happiness.. i've lost every single bit of my emotions and feelings cos i've already given to her my everything.. everytime my phone beeps, i eagerly look at my phone, only to see friends' invitations to a party or gathering.. my parents asked me how come my gf is not here to see me graduate from the army.. i'm losing faith in everything.. i jus wanna give up everything.. now it's only kelvin and his barely recognisable soul..



i always believe that as long as i put all my heart and soul into the relationship, everything will be alrite.. but it's a wrong theory.. sometimes you assumed that she's the one appearing in your dreams every nite.. but you failed to evaluate if you mean anything to her, if you are somebody in her life.. mayb i'm not.. if i let her go, will she think of me at times? will i still be the prince charming in her life? i knoe what are my flaws too, i think it's beta that i bury these flaws with me.. i will play the piano for the last time later on, and i'll stop playing it for some time..



i knoe i've loved her like i neva love anyone else in this world.. but sadly, the love is not enough for her.. it's time as well to go our separate ways.. it's much much beta for her.. i will no longer be a part in her busy life and she'll be able to spare more time with her family and friends.. i knoe i'm no longer impt in her life and i trust that a better guy will appear in front of her after awhile and she'll live her life happily till she breathes her last.. i once promised her that i'll not die before her.. and i'll live to my words.. if one day i were to leave before her, i'll not let her knoe but anyway we'll not be speaking to each other anymore..



precious memories will stay in me.. no one will be able to replace her.. someday i may meet a better girl somewhere, but i'll always remember this girl.. for i knoe to love someone is not easy.. letting someone you love, to live a life on her own is the best gift you can give her.. we always talk abt giving someone happiness or make her happy, but it's all what we assumed and she may not be happy.. as of now, i'll offcially let her go.. she's no longer mine, bcos i can't grab her anymore.. what she said still echos in my mind..



"Just let me go.... and i'll let you go too.."



this is her last wish and also the final last thing i can ever do for her.. is to leave her alone.. take care..

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SummerLove winks
at |9:36 AM|

Sunday, April 02, 2006

My Last Memory

her last words dated on 28 March 2005; 8.52pm.. shall become the best and the only memory i have of this girl.. i will come back to write when i'm able to face this blog again.. in the meantime, i shall take a short break from everything..

looking back since the first entry about us till now, i smiled and told myself - be thankful the bus ever stopped here.. for it will neva stop here anymore..

take care in the meantime, my readers.. thanks to many people for ur advices and comforting words during this period of time.. and of course,

thank you, my lovely summer... for your love and care.. we shall bid our farewell here.. these are the last words she wrote in this blog.. like a candle, let's enjoy the warmth even if it's for a short stint.. at least it left us all with a very warm feeling..

farewell..


I think I finally am able to put into words why I feel so reluctant to let him go.

it's not because I want him there,
but because I want to be there for him.

it's not because I want him to hold my hand,
but because I want to hold his hand.

it's not because I want him to smile for me,
but because I want to make him smile.

it's not because I want to talk to him,
but because I want him to have me to talk to.

it's not because I want to hear him say it,
but because I want to tell him "I love you".

.2 weeks.
.14 days.
.336 hours.
.20160 minutes.
.1209600 seconds.

-----------------------------------------------------------
SummerLove winks
at |3:51 PM|

Saturday, April 01, 2006

I Shldn't Be Here Now..

if i'm not wrong, i shld be on a date with summer now.. but.. though i knoe my true reasons, i decided to lie to everyone, telling them i'm alrite and smiling as usual.. i regretted.. but too late..

i jus wanna tell everyone that if you guys ever realli have a tough decision to make, pls make sure that u consider carefully.. dun make bcos of a rash decision, thus regretting it later.. every decision that we make, carries a consequence that we do not knoe.. and till you regret and want things back, it's too late..

i realised i've been tearing nites after nites on my bed.. i think of myself as a foolish guy who wants the best for her, in the end, hurting her.. when i left her to cry alone that afternoon, i knoe i deserve to die..

i wrote out my truthful feelings abt some things in a secret blog, cos i can't find anyone to talk to.. guys can get realli lonely in camp.. so our thinkings go astray.. i knoe summer has totally given up on me, and wont come here again.. her voice was cold.. and i will neva forget her words..

"i dun feel for you now.."

"i'm sorry but i dun love you anymore.."

those words killed me just like how i killed her with mine.. i like blogging, cos i can live in a world of my own, where readers are mysterious and writers too.. a place where people can choose to continue reading, or just exit from the top right hand corner of their windows..

rite now, i got no one but my own world to live in.. a place which i chose and regretted..

but it's too late..

my own world from now..

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SummerLove winks
at |4:18 PM|

光良 - 约定

说好的三年不见面用我们的爱把时间留住
你笑着说这是我们的考验我们的约定

就这样三年又过了我还是回到这个地方
闭上眼等你的出现空气中吻你的脸

我还记得我们的约定
一辈子幸福的约定
为你写的那首歌
他也偷偷的掉泪了

我还记得我们的约定
我比以前还更爱你了
连那风都笑我了
我想他会告诉你的我更爱你了

就这样三年又过了我还是回到这个地方
闭上眼等你的出现空气中吻你的脸

我还记得我们的约定
一辈子幸福的约定
为你写的那首歌
他也偷偷的掉泪了

我还记得我们的约定
我比以前还更爱你了
连那风都笑我了
我想他会告诉你的我更爱你了

你会记得我们的约定
一辈子幸福的约定
为你写的那首歌
他也偷偷的掉泪了

你会记得我们的约定
我比以前还更爱你了
听着风我也笑了
他一定会告诉你的我更爱你了

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SummerLove winks
at |2:47 PM|

Friday, March 31, 2006

I Shouldn't Be Here


i knoe i shldn't lie to her in the first place.. but i felt she deserves better.. but after awhile, i regretted and wanted to tell her.. but i realised it was too late.. she had a 约定 with me.. it took me quite awhile to find another 约定 for her..

she was the 2nd blog i visited that day.. after mine, cos i wanna read what she wrote in my blog first.. i was very touched by what she wrote in my blog.. sometimes at nite, i feel very lonely in camp.. tat's when i began thinking and thinking.. 2 yrs is not a short time.. can i made her wait for me?? will she realli wait for me??

i have no one to discuss with.. i have no one to talk to as i din wan my bunk mates to worry me.. there were many worries in my mind.. i wanted to give her up.. but i realised many times no matter wat, i knoe i can't..

i teared in bed many nites, looking at her pic, writing my little diary.. i read her old msgs times and times, over and over again.. with that, i thot i'm not gd enough for her.. i decided to lie to her.. i told her i follow the alphabetical orders in my favourites.. but as a matter of fact, her blog was way above everyone else's..

i realised i can only say my true inner feelings in my own world.. where readers are mysterious, where writers are mysterious, where people can choose to believe or not.. this blog will remain a mystery for as long as it is.. mayb one day, she'll stumbled across this blog and perhaps she will decide to believe me or not..

now i can only live with my regrets for the rest of my life.. why did i have the stupid thinking in the first place.. i shld have known i'm the only one for her.. but why at the point of time i din think of it??

i made her cry and cry and cry.. there's only my last memory..

but keeping the bus stop.. the same bus stop where we met..

i love you, summer, forever..

i'm sorry for hurting you..

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SummerLove winks
at |11:56 PM|

Sunday, March 26, 2006

陶喆 - 就是爱你

我一直都想对你说
你给我想不到的
快乐像绿洲给了沙漠

说你会永远陪着我
做我的根我翅膀
让我飞也有回去的窝

我愿意 我也可以
付出一切也不会可惜
在一起 看时间流逝
要记得我们相爱的方式

就是爱你爱着你
有悲有喜有你平淡也有了意义
就是爱你爱着你
甜蜜又安心那种感觉就是你

我一直都想对你说
你给我想不到的快乐
像绿洲给了沙漠
说你会永远陪着我
做我的根我翅膀
让我飞也有回去的窝

我愿意 真的愿意
付出所有也要保护你
oh 在一起时间继续流逝
请记得我有多么的爱你

oh 就是爱你爱着你
不弃不离不在意一路有多少风雨
就是爱你爱着你
放在你手心
灿烂的幸福全给你

oh 就是爱你爱着你
我都愿意
就是爱你爱着你
要我们在一起

finally, i've found the song which tells summer all i wanted to say to her.. so nice..

my friend's msn nick -
love is being able to walk arm in arm even when you dun see eye to eye

simply sweet..~~~~

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SummerLove winks
at |9:25 AM|

1st Book-Out

hi guys.. i'm living fine, so dun worry abt me ya? get to knoe alot of new friends, learnt many new malay commands and of course, get in touch with weapons.. perhaps i can consider signing on after my national service.. hmm, not sure yet.. shall see in future.. but it's quite a relax job in exchange for your fitness and as wat everyone says - SAF pays you to get fit and get your desired 6 pacs.. hahaha.. i quite agree..

i was met with excited Ler family who wanna hear my interesting stories in camp.. they were surprised to knoe that i was adapting well into the environment and there are many restrictions in camp as well.. it was filled with laughters and jokes during dinner..

free time was realli treasured in camp as we were only given an hr a day.. but we spent half of it bathing and washing our clothes while the remaining time will be spent on making phone calls or chatting with bunk mates or even going to the recruit's rm to enjoy a game of pool and crapping..

since day 1 i entered tekong, i've been thinking what kind of a 1st book-out i'll be expecting.. will she miss me more?? will she be talking to me thru the whole of fri nite or sat..? but it wasn't.. i spent my fri and sat alone and even today as well.. my bunk mates told me this is a period of realli tense moments whereby nerves will be cut up to test the relationship..

here's an extract from her blog..

I believe trust is a very important thing in relationships. I'm not going to have someone make me report my movements 24/7 just bcoz he thinks I'm going to run off with someone else. I still want to maintain my friendships. If you are going to suspect my love for you then why are we even together?

but she doesn't trust me.. and i dun understand why as well.. just bcos i went to a randomly went to a friends blog and tagged in, she got into such fury.. and rather than cherishing the remaining time which is running us by as i'm typing now, she refused to talk to me.. i realli dunno why.. sighz.. so this is the 1st book-out welcome i'm receiving from her..

being in the army has trained me to be tough, the lectures and counselling sessions were there to help us adjust to army life while you cut ur ties temp with the world out there.. it's where at nite, u laid in bed thinking how idiotic u've been when u quarrelled with her and not talking to each other for days.. thinking if only u're given another half an hr more to talk to her every nite..

as the days go by, your expectations of your other half increased naturally.. but for me, i neva had any expectations of her.. many of her friends dun think much abt our relationship.. perhaps she doesn't thick-skinned-ly tells the whole world how gd her other half is like i do.. i'm no longer the little boy who gets angry for little bits and quarrel with her.. i learnt how to treasure wateva time i have with her, even if she doesn't think much of the time..

it seems i've grown up over a period of 2 wks.. my mum said i'm quieter, fitter and definitely darker.. it's true, the lonliness u feel in camp is definitely no better than being in jail.. everyday in camp, eating, marching, running, i just keep thinking of her.. even when i'm stoning, i'm also thinking of her.. i'll just think of her more when times are tough and her faith in me making thru is ever growing stronger.. and tat's how i managed to survive many physical trainings..

it's hard to ask someone to believe in you.. it's hard to ask someone to knoe that ur heart is 110% with her and no one else.. time will tell.. my commanding officer spoke to us abt it.. he said, time is a very crucial item in our lives.. how many ppl survive and how many ppl will fall, is dependent on time.. and if you dun trust your gfs, then why in the world you guys wanna get together but as well, your gf has to trust you that u wont go outside and hook on the first girl u see bcos she knoes u're rushing home to see her..

here's an extract from another friend's blog..

The importance of things can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest in them. The more time you give to something, the more you reveal its importance and value to you. If you want to know a person's priorities, just look at how they use their time.

Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can't make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

It is not enough just to say relationships are important; we must prove it by investing time in them. Words alone are worthless. Our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action. Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E.

we dun need to answer to anybody else in this world.. as long as i can live up to my conscience and summer that she's the only one in me and no one else.. we've walked a realli long and tough distance.. we're beginning to learn to appreciate each other even more.. rite now, i can see her jealousy which also means she cares.. and for that, i knoe i love her even more.. much much more..

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SummerLove winks
at |8:59 AM|

Monday, March 20, 2006

I think I finally am able to put into words why I feel so reluctant to let him go.

it's not because I want him there,
but because I want to be there for him.

it's not because I want him to hold my hand,
but because I want to hold his hand.

it's not because I want him to smile for me,
but because I want to make him smile.

it's not because I want to talk to him,
but because I want him to have me to talk to.

it's not because I want to hear him say it,
but because I want to tell him "I love you".

.2 weeks.
.14 days.
.336 hours.
.20160 minutes.
.1209600 seconds.

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SummerLove winks
at |8:52 PM|