Wednesday, June 14, 2006
today i stepped into a very beautiful blog.. very pinkish, very lovely.. simple yet gives ppl a very comfortable feeling being in here..
along the road of 6mths, you picked up every single bad thing abt me but not a bag known as commitment.. commitment is something known as a responsibility towards the other party's life.. it'll not be strange if one day either one of us pass away without the other party knowing.. what i need in a relationship is not just a pretty face or some "i love yous" but a warm hug when everything seems wrong..
there's no point both parties keep thinking of each other when one side is not willing to make an effort.. we cannot live like this forever.. it's not me now.. it's you.. this is not call love.. it's just possession.. you have me, my life and my soul but i have nth of you.. nothing at all..
isit realli "love" we are talking abt, or isit just "like"? i'm mentally strained from training and during wkends, i gotta think of excuses to keep myself at home or even to ask some friends out.. but for you, i dun even knoe if you will reply you are attached when your friends ask you.. i knoe they dunno anything abt me at all.. do i even ever exist in those conversations of yours..?
i knoe you will rather give up the relationship than to give in.. but honestly, life doesn't go the way you want it to be.. you cannot have the best of both worlds and expecting them never to fall at all.. i worked hard and hard in the relationship, i dun mind if there's no pay at all but once in a while, there shld be a bonus rite?
i love you dearly.. i hope you will.. for once.. have a real relationship with me.. for...
i was born to love you..
hope you like this song..
Queen - I Was Born To Love You (OST for Jap serial Pride)I was born to love you (love you...)
With every single beat of my heart
Yes I was born to take care of you
Every single day (single day...)
All right... Hey, hey
I was born to love you with every single beat of my heart
Yes I was born to take care of you every single day of my life
You are the one for me I am the man for you
You were made for me you're my ecstasy
If I was given every opportunity I'd kill for your love
So take a chance with me let me romance with you
I'm caught in a dream and my dreams come true
It's so hard to believe this is happening to me
An amazing feeling coming through
I was born to love you with every single beat of my heart
Yes I was born to take care of you (honey) every single day of my life
I wanna love you, I love every little thing about you
I wanna love you, love you, love you
(Born) to love you, (born) to love you, yes (Born) I was born to love you
(Born) to love you, (born) to love you, every single day of my life
I was born to take care of you every single day, day, day of my life
An amazing feeling coming through
I was born to love you with every single beat of my heart
Yeah I was born to take care of you every single day of my life
Yes, I was born to love you
Every single day...of my life
I love you baby
Yeah, born to love you
Yes I was born to love you
Hey, I wanna love you, love you, love you
I wanna love you
Yeah, yeah... Aha it's magic
I get so lonely, lonely, lonely yeah
I wanna love you... It's magic
Love you yeah, give it to me
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SummerLove winks
at |8:37 AM|
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
i promised myself that i will not hold her back if one day she wants to leave.. i guess it's also time for us to bid farewell to each other after a long 6mths.. no one will ever understand what i'm going thru.. no matter how hard i try, she just refuses to budge.. been falling ill recently with high fever and this morning, my fever came back.. hit a 38.5, i tried calling her.. listening to her voice will certainly make me feel much better.. i guess i've left more than 15 missed calls but no reply from her..
she's very prone to running away from problems.. mayb bcos since she was born till now, her parents are always around to help her solve her probs.. to her, it doesn't matter who is loving her, bcos she knoes whoever who loves her, will certainly love her with all his life.. it doesn't matter if it's me or not.. - tears welling up -
we have been thru the same topic since 6mths ago and till now, no solution is found.. i'm very disappointed with myself as well as i feel i'm a very useless person.. nobody knew abt my situation.. i always tell ppl and friends that we've been to these places and those places.. but as a matter of fact, i've not even seen her once - a girlfriend i had for 6mths.. she'll always ignore my calls whenever i start talking abt meeting up.. i realli dunno what's so difficult to meet up with me? if she can meet other friends, why i'm not included?
perhaps sometimes it's beta to be friends afterall.. i realli treasured every moments with her, but will she understand? i jus dunno why isit so hard.. i jus dun understand.. many a times i felt her male colleagues are even luckier than me.. at least they get to see her everyday.. not to say 7 days a wk, but 5 days is enough.. i'm contented if i can see her just once a wk.. btw a couple, they gotta walk till this stage, i find it very sad and very heart-wrenching.. i always feel this sense of loneliness that i dunno how to describe.. but she just decided to pack up and leave without leaving even a note..
i cannot send her gifts at all, cos i dun even have her home no or even her address.. all i had of her was just a mobile number and her blog address.. for the past 6mths, tat's wat i live on.. why wont she just spare a little thot for me? i've been waiting patiently and patiently.. mths after mths, till yest, i sent her a long msg and tat's the end i heard from her.. my heart is just so sour and everytime i can only envy my platoon mates when they said they are meeting up with their gfs.. i have to lie abt my gf's whereabout, all the time.. i even lied to my parents and all my friends that she went to australia for a mth of holidays..
isit so hard just to meet up for 5mins?? why does a hug seems so impossible? she doesn't even knoe why.. she just doesn't wanna see me at all.. in the past, we'll still chat over the phone, joking and laughing and i'll play music for her to hear.. but recently these 3mths that i'm in camp, i practically only had 15mins a wk to hear her voice and many quarrels in it.. if u ask me if i'm sad, i'll honestly tell you yes.. i'm realli very sad and this kind of sadness lasts eternally.. no one will be able to heal this broken soul of mine.. and just like a patient surviving on the life support machine and family members are struggling if they shld switch it off or not, to allow the patient to go off peacefully..
i too, decided to switch off the life supporting machine btw both of us.. i knoe there wont be any future between us, so why do i still wanna hold her back from a possible much better prospect which could lead to her fairytale marriage? i knoe i'm not the one, and i'm fully convinced that i'm not the one.. - drops of tears flowing down -
i jus knoe it.. mayb she's just being nice in asking me to leave first.. i realli love her but i knoe it's torturing her.. so why not let her go so she can meet a much well-mannered, better-tempered and someone who is able to support her.. it will not be me.. my heart is aching now.. realli aching.. this song here brings me the only memory that it's my 21st bdae gift from her - the movie Just Like Heaven.. mayb i'm just like heaven to her.. so close yet so far.. i remember the first day i asked her to be my gf, it was her bdae.. we almost quarrelled and she wanted to leave.. but all i wanted, was to make a call to her hotel, so that she can hear me sing a bdae song for her.. she neva trusted me in whatever i do..
female friends to me, are just like ordinary friends but she took them very seriously.. i now seldom go out with female friends unless it's a poly group gathering.. i dunno why but this song is making me very sad.. it's true, i guess.. when she's gone, all the colours seem to fade.. i changed my temper for the better, i no longer go partying out with my junk friends anymore.. actually i did give up alot of things too.. she always yearn to be free.. i always gave in to her.. i tried not to msg or call her so often.. but is this how it goes in a relationship? i have neva felt for someone so deep in my life before and she has the amazing power to make me tear or smile.. what her mood for the day, is running deeply in my blood..
but there's no one or nothing to blame.. i only will take a step back, and see her enjoying her life, without me in it.. i neva knew what's she doing on the wkends, i neva knew what she's doing on the wkdays, once in a blue moon that she could only spare me 5mins plus to chat on the phone.. do u knoe i dun even have a vague image of her in my mind without seeing her picture? i have also convinced myself that the distance between us is far and further apart.. and i believe i caught a glimpse of her pale shadow when she left.. at times i realli wish the world will end, at least i knoe i din manage to see her is bcos i'm dead, and not bcos she's not willing..
what are promises? i have no more faith in promises or vows.. i no longer trust myself that i can give another person the happiness.. i've lost every single bit of my emotions and feelings cos i've already given to her my everything.. everytime my phone beeps, i eagerly look at my phone, only to see friends' invitations to a party or gathering.. my parents asked me how come my gf is not here to see me graduate from the army.. i'm losing faith in everything.. i jus wanna give up everything.. now it's only kelvin and his barely recognisable soul..
i always believe that as long as i put all my heart and soul into the relationship, everything will be alrite.. but it's a wrong theory.. sometimes you assumed that she's the one appearing in your dreams every nite.. but you failed to evaluate if you mean anything to her, if you are somebody in her life.. mayb i'm not.. if i let her go, will she think of me at times? will i still be the prince charming in her life? i knoe what are my flaws too, i think it's beta that i bury these flaws with me.. i will play the piano for the last time later on, and i'll stop playing it for some time..
i knoe i've loved her like i neva love anyone else in this world.. but sadly, the love is not enough for her.. it's time as well to go our separate ways.. it's much much beta for her.. i will no longer be a part in her busy life and she'll be able to spare more time with her family and friends.. i knoe i'm no longer impt in her life and i trust that a better guy will appear in front of her after awhile and she'll live her life happily till she breathes her last.. i once promised her that i'll not die before her.. and i'll live to my words.. if one day i were to leave before her, i'll not let her knoe but anyway we'll not be speaking to each other anymore..
precious memories will stay in me.. no one will be able to replace her.. someday i may meet a better girl somewhere, but i'll always remember this girl.. for i knoe to love someone is not easy.. letting someone you love, to live a life on her own is the best gift you can give her.. we always talk abt giving someone happiness or make her happy, but it's all what we assumed and she may not be happy.. as of now, i'll offcially let her go.. she's no longer mine, bcos i can't grab her anymore.. what she said still echos in my mind..
"Just let me go.... and i'll let you go too.."
this is her last wish and also the final last thing i can ever do for her.. is to leave her alone.. take care..
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SummerLove winks
at |9:36 AM|
